


I Forget Where We Were

by JanuaryWonder



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Civil War, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Stucky - Freeform, mentions of Sam - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 10:46:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6981199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanuaryWonder/pseuds/JanuaryWonder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Civil War could've been if penned by Ben Howard. </p><p>(Basically, just an angsty one-shot because I'm angsty and wanted to make peace with the boys from the movie in my mind.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Forget Where We Were

**Author's Note:**

> The song I used as a kind of prompt is here and it's so awesome, Ben Howard's I Forget Where We Were - even if I wanted to, karma wouldn't let me steal it - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ki5HBBEtfak

**Steve**

  
_Oh hey, I wasn't listening._  
_I was watching Syria blinded by the sunshine strip._  
_You, you were in the kitchen,_  
_Oh your mind was marked and wounded with the wounder's whip._

  
Ultron came first. The desolation in its wake was excruitiatingly silent. Not a word, not a... You felt as if you should all be punished, that the world would not be a just world unless you all paid your dues. But which dues were they? And who were you? What was the wrong in all of the right you had struggled to achieve? Who knew?  
And then there was him, the ghostly presence in every thought. There was him, and what he might be doing, how he might be living his life – without you around, almost unimaginable - how he might be going to the market and buying those fruits you had so desired as children without a second thought. There was him, who might be surfing the Internet you still knew so little about, and perhaps they were visiting the same pages, at the same time, and looking at those digital signals of 0 and 1 transform themselves into words and then, you would be doing something together.

  
You liked that thought, so you surfed the Internet more often. Sam had given you ample suggestions about... well, anywhichthing. Some of it frightened and some embarrassed you, you didn't think Bucky would be watching. In fact, you knew full well Bucky would probably be watching, if he was still Bucky, and the thought of it sent strange shivers down your spine, so you decided not to look at those sites, because those sites were confusing.

  
Lagos came second. Those words, why did they hurt so much? You let your attention slip, if only for a moment, but slip it did and then all Hell broke loose.  
This is what you'd always expected would happen, how you'd imagined it would go down if you ever let your guard down around Bucky.

  
Hell would break loose, open its jaws in the middle of Brooklyn and swallow you whole. Because it wasn't right. It wasn't natural. No matter how many articles you read on Buzzfeed about happy men getting married to other happy men, and women making vows to other women, it still didn't feel.. real. Like it couldn't have been you two, ever, not only because Bucky was obviously enamoured with the girls. It just couldn't have happened, because of who you were, because of who you had chosen to become: a soldier. Bucky had become your weakness, one Crossbones had used smartly.

This is what happened when you forgot yourself and thought of Bucky. The whole world came to an end, and in a sparkling wonder of a moment out of time, you found you didn't even care.

*

**Bucky**

_And that's how summer passed oh your,_  
_Great divide and range of green green grass_  
_Oh, maybe it was peace at last, who knew_.

  
Plums are good, or so the Internet says. Plums are good for memory. You probably eat too many anyway, because they taste good – like food, but it doesn't hurt to add a bit more and chalk it up to medicinal purposes.

  
It's been... a long time, apparently. Captain America – Steve – hadn't managed to find you. Good. You didn't want to be found just yet, with your brain still in shambles, and Steve's name etched into every sliver of a moment you can visualize. Yes, Steve. Not Captain America. It hurts your head, the divide. From what you can remember, it had hurt before, too. You'd wanted your Steve back. But why?

  
Images resurfaced, but they were incomplete. Or at least they felt incomplete:  
Going out the night before you were shipped out, not telling Steve...what?  
Writing a letter on the boat, not sending it to Steve...did he know?  
Laying in bed beside Steve, not moving...where?

  
Was your memory truly so bad, you wondered? Why were the gaps always and only related to the one person you hoped you would never again encounter? The mission. Who knows what you might do if you saw him again. It was clear he didn't want to hurt Steve – he, who? – but it was also very obvious you couldn't trust the him when you did't even know who the him was. There was still an itch in your (his?) fingers of the flesh hand, when you thought of Steve. Not good, you thought. Not good enough.

*

**Steve**

_Hello love, my invincible friend._  
_Hello love, the thistle and the burr._

Well damn, Bucky. Here you are. Why are you here? Why have you spent all this time here, and not... with me? Focus, you tell yourself. You don't want the same thing that happened in Lagos to happen again. You need to focus.

  
But then you look at your picture amidst the pages of the notebook full of random scribbles, and you can tell it hasn't been touched that many times, and instead of despairing you think... maybe it's because he remembers. It's maybe because he remembers the more important bits.

When you hear the almost inaudible footsteps behind you, you think to yourself – „Maybe we will get through this alive.“ Because you weren't really sure up to this point, but you also – not surprisingly – didn't care.

  
Because it was Bucky, and Bucky is everything, and maybe you're just starting to figure it out and make peace with the fact that you've loved him for as long as you can remember, but it doesn't make a difference, because your actions have always reflected that. Losing Bucky was never an option for you. Still, in that moment before turning around, you acknowledge it and once you know certain things, of course, you can never un-know them. You turn around and you think,

I love you and if it's the last thing I do, I want you to know it.

But you don't say so. Because you – you two – you're getting through this alive this time around.

*  
**Bucky**

  
_Hello love, for you I have so many words._  
_But I, I forget where we were._

So this is Captain America, you think. This is whom all of the history books have adorned their pages with, the idealist, the ever-just warrior. This is Captain America. But then, the superhero talks, he speaks to you and all your broken mind can play on repeat is one thought. Steve, Steve, Steve. This is Steve.

  
You calculate your chances of getting out of this mess alive. They're not looking good, but with the Cap... with Steve on your side, you feel near invincible. That's how you used to do it, wasn't it? And you never got defeated, until... Well, that wasn't a defeat. Steve managed to stop their plan, he did right by your memory. If he'd only known whose memory he was doing it for. Maybe he would've thought twice about it.

There are only a couple of certainties in your life right now. One. You like plums. Two. You don't want to have anything to do with Hydra ever again. Three. If possible, you want to hurt everyone involved with said institution. Four. Your name is Bucky Barnes. Five. You love Steve Rogers.  
You don't know why, you don't know how or for how long. But it is a truth that will not be denied. So you go with it, and let him fight by your side.

*

**Steve**

_Oh hey, I wasn't listening,_  
_I was stung by all of us,_  
_The blind leading up the wall._  
_And as per usual,_  
_You were skipping and laughing eyes at the bedroom door._

Going against what is for all intents and purposes the whole world doesn't feel as bad when you're doing it for him. After all, wasn't Bucky the one who pulled you out of every fight, more often than not with a bruise of his own to show? Isn't it time you return the favor?  
Of course, this is anything but. It's... different. In this brave new world, all of your actions seem somehow more laden with meaning. Sam looks at you that way, and you try to shrug it off, but you can't.

  
„You good, man?“

  
And you want to say no, no, NO, you are NOT good. Because you are staring at Bucky fighting with himself so obviously on a silverscreen, and it's there for all to see, yet you think this moment should be private. You are standing there and all of a sudden, the lights go out and you are not Captain America anymore, you are Steve Rogers, and Steve Rogers only knows how to do what is best for Bucky.

  
When the time comes though, you falter. It's only natural. It's human. You look at him and instead of saying all those other things, you choose an insignificant memory to coast you through. Bucky turns to you with questions in his eyes, but you don't reply to any of them. Some things are better left unspoken, you think. And so.

  
You fight.

*

**Bucky**

_Don't take it so seriously, no._  
_Only time is ours,_  
_The rest we'll just wait and see._  
_Maybe you're right, babe, maybe._

There really isn't a way to explain your decision to Steve. Steve wouldn't understand. So you take your chances, and explain it to Captain America instead. He begrudgingly agrees, as you knew he would.

  
You look at each other before you step into the cryo-chamber, and you realize why the incomplete memories have been bugging you. It's because they weren't incomplete at all. You never said anything at all. You play with the thought of perhaps issuing a great admission now, moments before lulling yourself into a who-knows-when-ending sleep, but you conclude it would be too cruel to even consider.

  
You've summoned Captain America to your side, and he lets you go into the chamber. But when you peek from the side of your eye, just before the ice reaches your face, it's Steve Rogers you see. And you know that, for all your faults, all the horrible things you have done, not saying goodbye to Steve was the worst harm of all because you did it willingly.

*

**Steve**

_Oh no, and that's how summer passed_  
_Oh your, great divide_  
_And range of green green grass_  
_Oh, maybe I hold on fast, to you._

„It's so funny, you were a real bastard, pal. I mean, anybody could've told you I would puke. It wasn't even a question. But no, you had to see me on the Cyclone...Punk.“

  
„That red-haired girl you wooed for so long.. I didn't want to tell you, but she was going with a friend of mine. A girl-friend of mine. Otherwise, you would've had a shot.“  
„I hate that you chose this. I understand it, but I don't have to like it. I spent all of this time mourning, then looking, then fighting for you. I hate that you chose this to be the end.“

  
„I'm sorry about what I said before. It's obviously your choice, and I'm glad you got to make it for yourself this time. It's just.. there's so many things I haven't told you, Bucky, so many... I guess it doesn't matter. Or maybe I can just say all of it now and you won't know, but I will, I'll know I tried to tell you at least and maybe that will make it better. God damn, do I love you. I didn't even know it before. Probably because I'd never loved anyone before, not like Peggy, and then that came with a side-dish of war and who knew.. But you were.. you were always the one, the voice in my head, telling me to keep safe. Peggy was also a voice in my head, the one telling me I was strong enough. The two of you, you saved me from myself many a time after I woke up. Bucky, you – you saved me so many times and I never returned the favor. I was always useless to you, even with the supersoldier serum and everything enhanced, I couldn't even be honest. I'm so sorry, Buck. I'm so sorry. I saved you the first time only to stick you with an even worse fate. I'm so sorry.“

  
„You know, I didn't really want to get the bigger place we were always talking about. I loved sleeping with you in that small bed, I loved how the parts of me where we would touch would sweat all through the night so when I woke up in the morning I could trace the length of your arm across my chest and imagine it had been on purpose. That you had embraced me because you'd wanted to. Did you? I've come to think now, there's so many things I haven't told you, secrets I've kept, that maybe they are the same secrets you hadn't told me then, the same things. Maybe we've been living these secret parallel lives that are really the same.“  
„Buck, they're gonna wake you up soon. A lot of bad things are about to go down. You wouldn't believe me if I told you now, so perhaps better wait. But.. they've figured out how to stop the conditioning from messing with your brain. So that's good. You can do whatever when you wake up. You don't have to join us, you can just go and find a safe place and live. I wish you'd do that.“

  
„Buck... Bucky... You'll be waking up soon. I just wanted to say one other thing before. I just...“

  
The ice-blue eyes snapped open. You wanted – needed – to continue. But it was too late.

  
*

**Bucky**

_Hello love, my invincible friend._  
_Hello love, the thistle and the burr,_  
_Hello love, for you I have so many words,_  
_But I, I forget where we were._  
_I, I forget where we were._  
_I forget where we were._  
_I forget where we were._  
_Oh no, and that's how summer passed,_  
_Oh your, great divide_  
_And range of green green grass,_  
_Oh, maybe it was peace at last, who knew?_

It didn't require any thinking at all. Steve was there. Steve's face, an effigy of pain and regret, in equal measure as joy. Steve's face, so familiar. But you wanted to hear his voice.

„Who are you?“

„It's me, Bucky. Steve.“

And that was enough for you. You didn't have to ask which Steve, or when, it was much like it had always been, the two of you and the rest of the world. Captain America needed to discuss things, to tell you about...whatever. But Steve? Steve needed to be kissed. Now. It was as urgent a mission as you'd known. Steve Rogers needed to be kissed.

And so you kissed him.

„Whaaa...?“

„I'm sorry. You were saying something about just...“

„Mhm, yeah, I...“

You can't keep your hands off each other. Everyone's gone from the room.

„I'm sorry. I forget where we were. Before...“

Steve shakes his head.

„Here. Here is good. Let's be here fo _r awhile.“_


End file.
